24 June 2013 by James Hoh CM –
Everyone used to call LC (not her real name) in Chinese, ‘Weird Ying-Yang Breath’. LC was describing herself as a person who was unpredictable as one minute calm but another minute thunder storm. Psychologist named it as bi-polar disorder and some others said it was multiple personality. But why has it been so inconsistent, easy to get irritated and angry?
“When the news broke out that one of the pastors in the church was going to marry me, the whole world including pastors asked, “Sure-ah?! You sure this is from God? Which verse did God confirm to you?” Such were the reactions from them. My immediate family and friends that were close to me referred me as a ‘dangerous’ person because they claimed that they are like walking on ‘egg-shells’ when they were near me, attesting to the emotional reactions in anger,” LC recalled.
“What triggered me was when people don’t accept my explanations or appreciate my efforts. The other thing that really got me mad and sad was when I felt I am rejected. Even with my friend’s facial expression or unkind/teasing word, I would break into tears, I felt hurt and abandoned and lonely, as if the end of the world. Thus, I couldn’t take personal mean jokes.
At times, I felt I was not a lovable person, a mistake, shouldn’t have existed. Death wishes and suicidal thoughts were harassing me all the time. I regretted over everything in my life. I blamed my parents and God for bringing me into this world after all they were responsible in the first place. This was the case even when I was only 10 where I opened up a bottle of Dettol (anti-septic liquid) and almost drank it in the bathroom. Thank God, I was awakened from that thought and backed off.” LC recalled.
Meanwhile, LC said she couldn’t work long in a job, two years was the longest. So were my two relationships that ended me with more hurts. My Christian friends distanced and disassociated themselves from me.
When I was 17, my pastor’s wife from my former church commented that I was not as mature in my thinking as my younger sisters. That really hurt me. Although I liked to think fast like a normal person, I couldn’t and I get stuck. I also had a few relationships thinking these relationships could ‘deliver’ me, but without me knowing that worsened my condition.”
“I was emotionally helpless. My problem still snowballing and I was very disappointed and hated myself. There were times, I repented and asked for forgiveness from the Lord, cried out in desperation but it just didn’t work, I repeated my actions again and again!” she continued, “How I wish God zap me and I am changed to be a brand new person overnight.
In church sermons, we were told that after accepting Christ we would be a new creation for all things had passed. But I realized this wasn’t true, the Word preached was like rubbish and fairy tale to me. So I began to put value in the outward appearance of things thinking that it would give me security and confidence because I was not transformed even with prayer repentance conducted in the church,” she added.
I thought that after married I would have changed for the better but it turned out to be worse. This was due to the many adjustments with my husband and in-laws as well when my own problems were not solved when I was single. This added more pressure to my emotions.”
When LC’s daughter came, little did she know that it came along with even more pressure. She recalled, “It first occurred while my daughter was merely six months old when I expected her to sleep but she didn’t. In other cases I expected her to be on her own but she couldn’t. I would scream and yell at her and beat her up. She was frightened.
I just could not tolerate even my daughter just wanted to linger around me. But when I cooled down, I was awakened to the horror of my own actions as if it wasn’t ‘me’ who did it!!”
LC continued, “I usually scolded my daughter over little things especially when my husband left for his work in Petaling Jaya. Sometimes when my husband called back and sensed something amidst, he would rush all the way back to where we stay here near Kajang.
I first thought it could be my daughter’s problem or my impatience but then later I realized it was me, my unresolved deep wounds and unmet needs, carried from childhood to marriage and later to motherhood, and it affected everyone,” she exclaimed.
“It didn’t stop here, I even looked for opportunities to fight and be mean to my husband; I had this thing that drives me – torment! Emotionally tormenting him or those I love and care until they begged for help was simply justifying and satisfying to me. I made sure the mean words that I used were bad enough to ‘turn angel to be demon’. This was terrifying wicked! But soon when I came to senses, I was regretful, helpless and guilt with condemned feelings.
So by the time my husband raced home, I always told him we should quit our marriage because I felt I was not qualified and doing harm as a wife and a mother. There was once we were about to file a divorce. But thank God that the Holy Spirit intervened and corrected me. Our marriage is preserved!” she said.
LC flashed back that pastors and leaders from the church had advised her against the marriage, knowing her problems that would eventually destroy her husband’s ministry as a pastor. However, with God’s clear directions, they stood firm and were married with church’s blessings.
“My husband encouraged me to go for healing and deliverance services in Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur and Seremban. I also went to a Bible School for a healing and deliverance course. But none of these services and seminars helped me greatly except that every time during the course I was reminded of my parents and relatives (guardians) that scolded, verbal and physical abuse as well as just keeping silence without protecting me while I was abused when I was a child. All these things surfaced and I wept bitterly.
I was resentfully angry with everyone and God because I have a very bad view of my father and the world. I felt very unfair, ashamed of myself and embarrassed.” LC added.
“A godly brother, the-late Alvin Tan recommended us to his church for seminars called Prep and Father Heart of God which were conducted by Fountain Gates Ministries.
In the seminars, I learnt about God’s heart toward His children. We could make appointment to see one of the two counselors to be prayed for. The counselors would invite the Lord Jesus to speak the Word of light to replace the word of darkness; break ungodly soul-ties and I was also led to repent on all my bitter-root judgments and inner vows.
There were even instances that the counselor dealt with some inner-children that were known as split-personalities or the inconsistencies in me. Many times I saw Jesus Christ and myself at the age that I was abused. Truly Jesus Christ is the Emmanuel as I saw Him there with me who was hurt. Many times, He would think of creative ways to gain my trust before playing with me. After sometimes in prayer, He would shower me with love and care. When I trusted Him and was happy with Him, He took me home to my adult-self and that was where healing took place,” LC explained that deep wounds need deep healings as she related to the incidences.
“I and my husband began to realize the powerful name and ministry of Jesus Christ because after a specified hurt being dealt with, there were no more emotional hurts or reactions when I think or talk about it. There were feedbacks from my mom and in-laws that my behaviors have changed tremendously even after only two visits to Singapore.” She said.
The one-on-one counseling sessions were custom-made depending on the person’s needs, commitment and comfort level. The greater the commitment and determination wanting to be healed and set free, the faster and greater effect one would experience.
The Holy Spirit would remind her of incidences of abuse or something that happened that causes the emotional problems. The counselors were very sharp in not only picking up the root-cause of the bad emotions but could also easily join the dots of our experiences and thoughts within minutes.
“To date I have been there for more than sixth times, there were lots of positive changes. The suicidal and negative thoughts were cleansed from my mind and replaced with sound mind. I have forgiven all that have abused and hurt me. Now I am able to distinguish and ‘extinguish’ lies from Satan. As I read the Bible, I am able to hear and discern the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I now live a meaningful life since then and sometimes I even can process my thoughts better than my husband’s. You must believe that it is a journey of sanctification instead of a one time immediate change into a new creation in Christ.” Cheekily, she said.
“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
“I would encourage people who have some of these issues or symptoms mentioned in this story to be determined in seeking help without delay because you won’t know how much you could be set free and benefit from God. But don’t give up easily because Christ has died to set you free” said the brimming LC.
For more information on deep level healing, please browse: http://www.fountaingateministries.net/
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