“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”-George Bernard Shaw
The blame game – one of the common yet most destructive pastimes known to mankind. It has caused a lot of frustration and despair in the history of mankind. It has also been one of the causes of mass casualties of war and numerous regrettable acts. If you’re putting up walls and fences, it’s your job to be willing to bring them down. As long as the walls and fences are up, you’re going to find excuses to keep blaming someone or something other than yourself for outcomes concerning your home situation, your job, your culture, and your upbringing.
Sometimes, people create a story about what happened or should have happened. To the degree that they allow their past to define their present experience. When you blame, you choose to be a victim. In doing so, you disown your own power. Remember that negative attitudes lead to negative actions which then automatically leads to negative results.
‘Let the person who is without sin cast the first stone’, (John 8:7)
I was not taught how to! I’m suffering now because of my past! I’m mean to those around me because people are mean! I can’t succeed because I was not given the right opportunity! My parents are to blame! I can’t love again because of I’ve been hurt! I have low self esteem because I was bullied as a child! I can’t find a decent job because of the state of the country! I cheated on my husband because he was working too much! I blame my boss for not giving me my promotion! A teacher consistently gets poor student evaluations and blames the students for being incompetent and too stupid to evaluate him.And the list goes on…..
All the statements above may seem fine, but they are destructive statements used for blame and to make excuses for doing something to changing your own situation. Finding someone or something to blame (and then blaming) may give us a substitute sensation for having solved a problem when we haven’t really understood cause and effect at all. You always have a choice in any given moment as to how to respond, and it’s those choices in your past that have created your current situation. However, it’s your choices in the present that will determine your future.
Vulnerability won’t be easy, it might be one of the hardest that you’re ever going to attempt, and it might go horribly wrong – you might get broken or damaged like so many others, but if you are to be truly strong (as everyone is deep inside), then you would have to be willing to expose yourself and to be truthful to yourself before you can move forward in life.
To be vulnerable is to be human, nobody is blameless and it is crucial to constantly strive to proactively change in order to move to the next level, to grow in their surroundings. When you blame, you dishonor yourself and how strong you really are. Instead, you end up buying into the illusion of someone or something you are not.
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5)
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4)
Give up worrying and start living
-Give up worrying about past failures. Accept your past without regret, handle your presence with confidence, and face your future without fear. You are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions take you. .
-Give up blaming everyone else. Either you own your situation or it will own you. Either you take responsibility for your life, or someone else will. Blame is not constructive; it does not help you or anyone else – nobody wins in the blame game. The amount of energy and stress it takes to place blame elsewhere takes away from your ability to move forward and find a real solution.
The road you are traveling may be the more challenging one, but don’t lose faith. It’s fine if you don’t know exactly what to do next. Eventually you’ll let go of how things ‘should be’ and start to see all the great possibilities in front of you.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)
God wants to renew your hope. Trust Him and don’t listen to the devil’s lies that your situation will never change. The only thing that never changes is God and since He promises to provide for all your needs and deliver you from all your fears; He will prove Himself faithful. The one thing you can count on is that God will never fail to keep His promises to you. With Jesus the best is always yet to come.
Additional steps to take on the road to change:-
1) Look for THE cause
If something doesn’t work out, it’s easy to get creative and find some reason why it’s someone else’s fault. Learn to relax with not actually knowing for a while why something worked out the way it did. Tolerate the temporary uncertainty of just not knowing until you get a wider perspective on things.
Jumping to blame the first person isn’t an effective way of going about things. Wait for a bit by telling yourself: “Okay, this is the situation at the moment. Now, what’s the very best thing I can now do in these circumstances…?”
2) You can only grow by perceiving true feedback about yourself
Seeing objectively where you went wrong is how you improve and develop. We don’t progress as human beings just by ‘learning to love ourselves’ unconditionally. We need to develop the capacity to respond to the feedback life gives us about ourselves free of either the distorting effects of low self-esteem or conceit and arrogance. There is absolutely no shame in being able to admit to yourself or others that you made mistakes. It shows real strength of character.
3) Get into the habit of admitting your mistakes sometimes
If you are used to just dishing out the blame and not accepting your part, remember the research that shows being able to apologize in relationships makes them much more likely to last and thrive. People will respect you for it.
4) Forget blame and focus on where to go from here
Ever noticed how some people get more hung up on assigning blame than actually fixing a problem? If people feel you blame them unfairly, they will resent you. They may even come to hate you. People instinctively hate injustice. Get used to saying out loud: “Okay, it happened! For the time being, we need to focus on making things better!
5) Remember how to motivate people
People can be shouted at, cursed at, and blamed, but still not know what it is they did wrong. If other people have made mistakes, they need to know what may have led to those mistakes and how to do things better in the future. Calling someone an idiot or telling them they “always do everything wrong!” is not feedback; it’s just abuse, no matter why you think you’re doing it. This kind of emotional incontinence may make people anxious, but they’ll never respect you.
It takes courage to stop blaming and take responsibility. No excuses. No blame. Your willingness to take this level of responsibility is the key to your freedom. You will experience freedom in direct proportion to the level of responsibility you take for what happens in your life. Ensure you learn the lessons you need to so that you can grow to the next level. No one owes you anything. God has given you everything you need to take the next step.
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; (Psalm 34:19)
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Kim Yung CM
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