21 Sept 2014 by Adeline Lum CM-
On 17th of September, former Senator Dato’ Tee Thiong Hock shared a message at the Full Gospel Business Men Fellowship at Damansara Utama that sparked my interest to write a commentary on the meaning of filial piety.
The population of people aged 65 years and older is projected to increase threefold of the 2010 population, 30 years from now. According to the National Statistic’s Department (NSD), senior citizens (those who are 65 years and above) are expected to reach 4.4 million people, which is at least 11.4 percent of the population. This makes Malaysia an ageing population by year 2021.
Although elderly parents have always expected to stay with their children under one roof, this trend appears to be changing due to many reasons.
For one, many of our elderly parents (over 65 years old) have lived in a sandwich-generation of taking care of the generation before them and after them, namely the grandparents and the children. And beyond that, the baby boomers (born in year 1946—1964) have invested most of their savings to send their children overseas, in hope to pave a brighter future for them. Some even sell their car and house to finance their children’s education and first residence overseas. And many of the children chose to establish their career overseas upon graduation, living miles away from their parents.
Another common reason children stay apart from their elderly parents would of course be conflicting attitudes, different lifestyles, and the distance of work from home.
Some of the elderly parents also require immediate and constant medical attention such as dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. Hence, sending them to nursing homes appears to be a viable choice considering the busy working schedule of the children. An article in FMT reported that taking care of two parents with stroke at home could amount to RM10,000 per month, compared to the price range of RM800 to RM5000 per month in nursing homes (for those who provide only basic needs and those who provide constant medical attention respectively).
To put it simply, whether we are staying with our elderly parents, staying apart from our elderly parents, or sending them to nursing homes, let us not judge each other unfavorably or favorably. I believe each decision is made based on one’s unique reason, circumstances, and even motivation. Before we judge, let us look at ourselves first. After all, at the end of the day, it is God who makes the final judgment. It is He who we answer to. (Jer 17:10)
I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve. (Jer 17:10)
But if we do harbour selfish intentions for not providing financially for our parents, the Bible says we are worse than an unbeliever. (1 Tim 5:8)
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Tim 5:8)
So, for the sake of discussion, let say our middle-class parents are left to fend for themselves, are they able to pay for their own nursing homes during their twilight years? The news reported that while the rich and affluent have no financial difficulty and the poor can seek government assistance; the middle-class parents can neither afford staying in the nursing home long-term nor qualify for government assistance. That means they would need to live off their depleting Employee Providence Funds (EPF) to live in their nursing home. Some have no choice but to reenter the workforce.
Although it is true that the living cost in owning a house and a car is rising, this should not be a reason for children to nullify their responsibility in providing for their elderly parents. Even if we are unable to financially provide now, we need to plan in providing financially for our elderly parents in the future (residence arrangement and medical fees). That is a tangible and practical way of filial piety.
Without filial piety, I believe the testimony of our Christian faith is greatly weakened to the point of deserving criticisms from nonbelievers.
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. (Exo 20:12)
Tee shared how his sons, Jin Wee and Jin Liang, who are now both senior doctors in Australia and UK showed filial piety to him and his late wife despite the distance between them.
Since they were in college, they would communicate weekly with the parents. And every year for special occasions (such as Birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day), Tee’s sons would send them a card with encouraging words, accompanied with a basket of seafood, a basket of fruits, a bouquet of flowers, or other types of gifts. Besides, they would also find reasons to pay for their parents’ stay in luxurious hotels with dinner according to the parents’ choice, every alternate month. And when the sons returned home for a visit, they would insist on going for a family trip.
Although Tee and his late wife never expected his sons to return them for anything, he realized the best way to have them practice filial piety is to graciously accept their financial contributions and gifts. Hence, he urged all parents to instill the value of giving back in their children by accepting their financial contributions and gifts. By doing so, the grandchildren would also exemplify the action of filial piety of their parents, which will be continued from one generation to the next.
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When Tee’s wife was diagnosed with a terminal disease, both of his sons flew back immediately from their positions and accompanied the mother for six weeks, extended out of favor from one week. Both showed love in practical and tangible ways—one important one is contributing to the finances required for the hospital expenditure.
In addition, they also offered their mother in the last two months physical comfort and encouragement. Jin Wee showed love by brainstorming all kinds of delicious breakfast to stimulate his mother’s losing appetite. Jin Liang on the other hand, decorated the room with unique, colorful, and petite food items (i.e. Nyonya kuih, Tau Foo Fa in an odd-shaped bottle, etc) in every corner of the room to catch the mother’s attention, in hope to lift up her spirits. He even reminded Tee who was demoralized to be gentle with his words to his mother, because that might be the last words to her.
Hence, such is the meaning of filial piety. Where would we be when our parents need us? When Tee’s wife passed away, his son Jin Wee asked his father to stay with him in Australia, in a room already prepared for him. And every day, he would call his father to learn about his whereabouts and activities. And despite the time difference in UK, Jin Liang would make an effort to call at least twice or thrice a week to share his life with his father.
Lastly, regarding the living arrangements with your parents, every family has their own preferences and capacity. Personally, I asked my father before, “Would you rather stay with me or would you rather stay in a nursing home?” He honestly told me that he can live independently but he will rather stay with his children. Perhaps, that would shed some light to your future arrangement of your parents’ residence as well.
Are you able and ready to provide and take care of your parents when they need you? The good news is that we can plan now.
NOTE: The article above is written based on the sharing by Dato’ Tee Thiong Hock, which sparked the commentary of this sermon. It is an expanded version of his sharing with elaboration by the writer.
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