A New Found Identity and Purpose in Christ – The Transformation Journey of a Transgender Person

Through all the years of her growth, Marianne (Marianne Bernadette Pillai) felt confused about her gender. There was always a sense that her parents wanted a boy and didn’t love her as a girl. Marianne thought life would be easier as a male because she had been bullied from a young age. As a result of all these experiences, for years she dressed as a man and looked very masculine even without using steroids. She took on the masculine name of “Andy”. However, this did not help her go through her pain.

Marianne noticed that some people became disgusted with her and distanced themselves after learning her true gender. With a heart full of loneliness, she began to blame God and questioned Him: “Why did you create me? Why did you make me so confused?” Eventually, she even grew to hate God. Although she attended the Catholic Church through her formative years, as an adult Marianne searched for other gods in various temples and religions.

On May 18, 2013, Marianne decided to take testosterone steroids to make her gender appear more masculine. She began growing a beard, initially just on her upper lip, then on her chin and cheeks as well. She even considered gender reassignment surgery but dismissed the idea due to the high cost. She also became involved in many LGBT advocacy activities.

During the same time, Marianne was also abusing alcohol and drugs. Her lifestyle began to change. She became violent, got involved in gang activities, and partied hard. She had multiple girlfriends in succession and attempted suicide several times. She fell into a deep depression when her relationship with her dream woman failed. In all of these, she felt emotionally empty. She hated herself, and despite growing up in the Catholic Church, she didn’t believe in God at all. At that time, she felt life was short and decided to live in the moment, indulging herself.

Marianne had aunts that were concerned for her. During this period, whenever Marianne visited them, her aunts would talk to her about how Jesus became the sacrificial lamb for humanity and how He saved souls willing to repent from sin. Although her aunts showed her God’s love, she felt they couldn’t accept her transformation. Marianne initially avoided them and God multiple times, thinking that if God existed, He would accept her as she was, but her aunts never gave up on her. Later, Marianne even started attending church gatherings with them.

One night, while Marianne was sleeping, she dreamed of being attacked and strangled by enemies. In the dream, she heard a voice saying, “Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.” She didn’t know where this phrase came from in the Bible. At 5 a.m., when she woke up and opened the Bible, she read this exact passage in Revelation 2:5. She was overwhelmed with amazement and remorse, and the experience left a deep impression on her.

A few days later, at a church gathering, the pastor happened to explain this verse during his sermon. Marianne was shocked and told her aunts, “A few days ago, I dreamed about this verse that the pastor mentioned.” One of her aunts advised her to read 1 John 1:9: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That night, Marianne asked God for forgiveness for every sin she could think of, marking the beginning of her repentance.

As Marianne was trying to draw near to God, she was attacked by the enemy. One night, after a spiritual attack from the enemy that woke her up, she immediately called one of her aunts to pray for her. At that moment, she was filled with the Holy Spirit and prayed continuously until 7 a.m., feeling completely liberated in her soul. Later, she experienced God’s presence multiple times through scriptures, visions, and miracles.

However, during this time, Marianne still dressed as a man wherever she went. In March 2015, after a pastor at her church taught on “breaking family curses,” Marianne once again knelt down to repent and continued to confess and pray. Suddenly, she told her aunts, “Aunt, tomorrow I’m going to shave my beard.” Her aunts didn’t believe her at first, but the next day, Marianne shaved off her facial hair. Afterward, she stopped injecting testosterone, quit smoking, and gave up drugs and alcohol.

While still on testosterone, Marianne accepted Christ as her personal Savior. The care and love of God she felt through the pastor and other church members was a crucial factor in her life. They didn’t ignore or reject her but showed concern in many ways, holding onto the hope that precious souls like hers could be saved and brought back to God’s embrace. From a broken vessel, she became a child of God. Marianne believes she was the first transgender person to be saved in her local church.

Marianne had walked through it all. For those who struggle, Marianne’s advice is to find loving Christians, one or several people willing to understand your current situation first, and who can help you spiritually transform. Share your struggles with these understanding and caring people. These Christians won’t judge or force you but will intercede for you and help you change. Find such people, submit to and follow their counsel, and leave the rest to God! Trust in God and obey Him, and you will experience and witness His works.

Marianne says, “Repentance was not a mistake in my life. I’m happy about the transformation in my life. What excited me first was the return of my menstruation, making me a woman again. I praise the Lord for the miracle He gave me!”

Some of her homosexual friends asked her, “Why change? Is it to please your family? Were you threatened? Is it temporary? Or a permanent change?” Marianne said, “My answer is that I fear God! I repented, and I did this to please God, not others. My change is of my own will; no one forced me. Repent, for God loves you.”

Marianne wrote: He loves sinners like me, but He doesn’t love my sin. Indeed, God accepts us as we are, but He loves us too much to allow us to remain as we are. He can gently redeem and restore those who draw near to Him.