11 April 2015 by Esperanza Ng CM-
She slumped against the wall with her knees drawn up and tears flowing freely down her cheeks. With no one to confide in, she closed her eyes and cried Heavenward:
When everything was falling into place
And I was spiritually high
I constantly sought Your face
With a smile and a satisfied sigh
But then You brought me here
To a place so unfamiliar
And I thought I so was sure
That my faith would never waver
Needless to say
Trials came my way
Though You provided me with all I needed
You did not give me what I wanted
I know better than to be angry
And that bitterness would only harm me
But this deep hollow ache in my belly
Is enough for me to sometimes doubt Your sovereignty
Lost and almost broken
My mind a muddled confusion
I find I have no choice
But to listen for your voice
Father why do You test me?
Why do others seem to have it so easy?
Father won’t You help me
Not to feel so lonely?
I imagined tons of love and affection
From the people who would be my companions
But it seems that my pure intentions
Always end me up in complicated situations
The fellowship that I long for
And the qualities of true friendship I seek
Slam in my face like a blown shut door
Leaving me bemused and so very bleak
I don’t understand what wrong I have done
To be deprived of silly giggles and fun
I don’t mean to disobey You, dear Lord
But coveting my neighbor has been something I do quite a lot
People call me “lucky”
They think I have everything and that I’m happy
Thus in the midst of my misery and self pity
I can’t help but feel awfully guilty
Am I not blessed?
Have my prayers not been answered?
While many out there are messed up and stressed
I sit around and relax in comfort!
It’s not that I’m not grateful, Lord
I thank You from the pit of my wretched heart
However I’m still very much a girl
And this weight I carry does not feel like a very good start
Won’t You speak to me, Father?
Won’t You show me what You want of me?
Draw me out of this darkness please, Savior
And mold me into the masterpiece You have meant for me to be
And in the quiet stillness of the night, she could almost audibly hear Him say:
My child, I love you more than you can comprehend
My daughter, I want you more than you can understand
You have made people your primary importance
And because of that I must act with utmost significance
I created you for My glory
You were made to adore Me
But you look for fulfillment elsewhere
You base your identity on how much people care
Your attention for Me is wispy and temporary
You’re a slave to the idols you unconsciously worship
But I burn for the devotion and intensity
That you have drained into your other relationships
Like Israel, you have succumbed to distraction
To worldly demands and social expectations
Your restless inconsistency displeases Me
For I settle for no less than all your time and energy
Ground yourself in My Spirit and in My Wisdom
Remember your position in My Heavenly Kingdom
Pore over My Word despite your hectic schedule
Because I matter more than anyone else’s approval
Never forget I am a jealous God, My beloved treasure
And I want to be your complete and permanent desire
Make Me priority
And all you ask for will pale in comparison to My grace and generosity
Deuteronomy 4:23-24
Be careful not to forget the covenant of the LORD your God that He made with you; do not make for yourselves an idol in the form of anything the LORD your God has forbidden. For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.
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