Issues to consider before choosing a mate

6 April 2014 by Rev Dr Steven Kau –

 

Several years ago, our local newspapers reported that Malaysia today, perhaps for the first time, had more divorces than marriages. Recently, again our local newspapers reported that in Singapore, many married couples tend to become unfaithful after the second year of their marriage and most divorces happen after the fifth year of marriage, if I remember right. In America , generally more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Some even suggested that Christian divorce rates are even higher than the national average. All this is telling us that most couples are extremely careless or misinformed of what marriage really is and what is required to make it work. May I also remind you that divorce is rarely an option for Christians, because God hates divorce? (Malachi 2:16)

 

 

The most important decision you could possibly make in life is whether or not you will pursue and receive Christ as Savior and Lord of your life. This will determine if you experience eternal life today and in eternity. But, the second most important decision in life is who you will marry. This is a critical decision that will greatly determine not only your future happiness but also the degree to which you are able to serve the Lord. What does the Bible declare the important considerations to be? Seriously, you disregard these considerations to your own detriment.

First, you may choose whomever you wish, as long as he or she is a Christian. (1 Corinthians 7:39) There are no exceptions to this command. If you marry a non-believer, some have even commented, you can’t possibly expect success since you have Satan as your father-in-law. There is a lot of truth in that.

 

 

From the following principles, you will see why God has made this a fundamental requirement for His children.

The next important question is, what kind of Christian is the person you desire to marry? Is he/she only a name-sake Christian or a born again, genuine spirit-filled, God fearing person? Is this person truly committed to loving and obeying the Lord? This is important because every marital problem you will encounter in your relationship will always result from a spiritual problem. If this person is truly committed to Christ, he or she will solve these problems in a biblical way. Therefore, how has he or she demonstrated this commitment? Do you see a love for God demonstrated in his or her life? Does this individual have a daily devotional life? Does this person share lessons learned from Scripture with you? Does he or she have a prayer life and has there ever been a time when this person has suggested prayer with you? Have you seen him or her serving others since you have been together? Does this person serve with a motivation of love or only because of obligation or just to impress you? Does this person seek the kingdom of God more than anything else? (Galatians 5:22; Matthew 16:24; Acts 2:42; Galatians 5:13; Matthew 6:33)

 

 

The next question: Do you have compatibility in spiritual thing? Do you agree on the major doctrines of Scripture? Do you agree on the church you will attend? Do you agree on how you will give of your time and money? Without agreement over these issues now, there will be great conflict over these issues in the future. (Amos 3:3)

Can you trust this person? Has this individual given you any reason not to trust what he or she has said or done in any aspect of your relationship? Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. If this person’s words and actions cannot be taken at face value and constantly need to be corrected, caution is advised. (Proverbs 3:11; 1 Corinthians 7:25)

 

 

How does he or she handle adversity? Does this person trust God or fall into unbelief regularly? Have you ever seen him or her angry? Have you seen this individual angry with you? Did you solve this in a biblical way? Was forgiveness asked for and granted or was the issue just forgotten after a while? The ability to reconcile conflicts in a biblical way is essential for a marriage that will last. (Proverbs 3:5; Mark 11:5-26; Luke 17:1-4; proverbs 37:8, 16:3)

Does he have a way to provide for you? Is he or she a responsible person with money? Money can be a great source of conflict in a marriage, so look for responsible action and decision making on this issue now. (1 Timothy 6:10; Luke 16:14; Matthew 25:27; 2 Timothy 3:2)

 

 

Is he or she a good example? In the future, if you have children, would your mate be a good example to them? If he or she is not a good example now, it will be a constant battle later. (1 Timothy 4:12)

What issues do you agree and disagree on? Make a list of both to permit an honest appraisal of your compatibility. Don’t go in with the foolish idea that you can change the person’s thinking later. No, the chances are you can’t.

Does this person have control of his or her sexual drives? Have you ever seen him or her compromise obedience toward God and His Word? Is there pressure on you for sex now to prove your love? You should get out right away and do it now! If he or she is not obedient or self-controlled in this area now, how will you be able to trust this person after you get married? (1 Thess. 4:8; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thess. 5:2)

 

 

Does your prospective mate respect you and your opinions? Does he or she listen to you and receive your ideas and or correction, or are you not even consulted over decisions? Respect and willingness to talk over issues is essential for a good marriage. You should both be able to compromise and find agreement over difficult problems. (Matthew 5:25)

How does your prospective mate treat other people? The way this individual treats others is ultimately the way he or she will treat you, so look very closely at these actions. (Ephesians 4:25)

Have you dated this person long enough to get an idea of what he or she struggles with in daily life? If you can’t identify at least some issues, you probably don’t know this person as well as you think; or that this person is so good at putting on a show and hiding things that you hardly notice any significance issues. If this is the case, you are in for trouble because after marriage it will become your problem. Everyone has faults; some more than others. Ask this person what issues cause the greatest struggles in life and how he or she is dealing with these issues. Can you live with these faults or differences, knowing that people change very slowly? Can you live with the areas of your prospective mate is not dealing with very well? Be very realistic, you should accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” (Deut. 1:12)

 

 

Is this person a giving individual? Being able to give sacrificially is the best proof of true love. If this person you want to marry is interested only in you giving the majority of the time, this will not be a happy marriage. (Romans 12:10; Luke 6:38)

Each of the above issues requires effective communication. Without this occurring now, you will never have the relationship you desire in marriage. Communication is the life blood of a marriage because it enables a relationship to be nourished and survive the struggles that two people encounter. (Proverbs 18:21; Ephesians 4:29-31)

Is your prospective mate your best friend? If marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church, then friendship is essential. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13) A friend, according to Jesus was one for whom He would sacrificially lay down His life and one whom He would lovingly communicate His heart. Will you be marrying your best friend and a person with whom you can share your heart? If so, your marriage will be all that you expect it to be. (Song of Solomon 5:16)

 

 

Now take these same questions and apply to yourself. Your answers will determine where you might consider making changes in your own life before making a life-time commitment.

 

 

References for pictures

http://focusonthefamilysg.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/up-old-couple.jpg

http://img.chinasmack.com/www/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/asian-couple-fight-not-speaking.jpg

https://easy.servingsites.net/westownsouthernbaptistchurch/files/2013/02/ServeHim.jpg

http://changeyourlifepraxis.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/2013-1.jpg

https://finovera.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/save-money-college-students.jpg

http://likeawhisper.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/asian-father-son.jpg

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Archive/Search/2011/6/8/1307529849054/The-Sons-Room-007.jpg

http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1170663/thumbs/o-MARRIAGE-PROBLEMS-facebook.jpg

http://www.healthworks.my/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/asian-couple.jpg