23 Oct 2013-
I once fell headfirst into dating a “nice” drug dealer.
This came right after I heard a talk on the “you might be called to singleness” mantra coupled with the Christian “modesty pledge.”
It was a Sunday afternoon in a room that badly needed re-carpeting. After hearing a long talk about from an older, single woman how she actually did enjoy her life because it was God’s best for her and we needed to accept that singleness might be God’s plan for us too, I decided there was no time for standards in my dating relationship. Doubtless, she had excellent intentions, but they were lost on me.
Mr. Nice Drug Dealer and I didn’t last long, because he was just one of many men I tried to fix, to heal, to save. My love never changed him. He was, however, my last hurrah in the camp of believing lies about relationships and having no standards for my dating life.
Years into marriage and a whole host of dating mistakes (and one nice drug dealer) behind me, here are some helpful things I’ve learned about relationships—often the hard way, but learned nevertheless.
Here are 7 things women should know about relationships:
1. Your love isn’t changing him. A misunderstanding of this truth is why we date bad boys and “flirt to convert.” We love a good Beauty and the Beast story with notions that our love will help our man turn from his old ways and embrace purity, maybe sobriety and even Jesus.
But the truth is, romantic love doesn’t transform people. If your man has a millstone tied around his neck and is sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you’re not going to be able to swim him to the surface just by latching on. Eventually, you’ll be at the bottom of the ocean with him.
2. Men want to feel needed. It’s important to be independent and capable of looking after your own needs, but if that turns into carrying a “I’ll never need a man” chip on your shoulder, you may drive him away. Men like to know they are needed in your life. Whether it’s fixing your car, providing financially for you or solving a problem, men actually like being asked to help. Create some space in your relationship, give up some control and don’t be afraid of giving him the opportunity to help.
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